Me: You want me to wear a rubber?
Her: ideally, you’ll wear two for extra protection.
Me: But I like to be able to feel the dishes as I wash them
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Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*
*Sits down triumphantly*
*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
The big book of baby names but for safe words