Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
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BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
My wife鈥檚 filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
馃槉馃
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
I鈥檓 proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
Cop: looks like you鈥檙e wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 馃檪
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that鈥檚 cool, can I see it?