Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
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Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
bury ourselves
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care