ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
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I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
*pokes sex life with a stick
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent