Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
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[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.