Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
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someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back