Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
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If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball