Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
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Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
(Electricians.)
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?