@MoneypennyNaked

Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]

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@IamEveryDayPpl

My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…

Weird.

@TheForbesFam

How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:

1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.

I know this now.

@TheBoydP

“Go ahead caller”

Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…

@LittleLostLad

Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.

@Harbinger_one

Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.

@Jake_Vig

[visit to zoo]

See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.

@BuckyIsotope

A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.

@Darlainky

I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?

@UncleDuke1969

*NEW*

For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.

PUNderwear ®

Comfort is No Laughing Matter™

@RexHuppke

Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword