ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
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Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.