Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
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If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
A classic…
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?