Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
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You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Doctors texting each other.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
A great tip. #CakeRex