Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
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If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
My dad teaching me to drive
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
this is uni
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red