Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
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For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”