Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
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ok this is my dumbest yet
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
According to math, I’m broke
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good