Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
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Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Close call…
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥