Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
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They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Who chose this font
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.