Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
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Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Where’s my employee discount too?
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.