me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
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Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Yes, this is exactly right
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything