Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
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My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Time for evil
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.