Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
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Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
finally found a reasonable question
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.