Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
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Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
thanksgiving should be called feaster
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
I think this cat is broken
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse