Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
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My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Siri: Retweet me.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Breaking news:
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.