Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”

I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.

Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster

*takes an exam in a coffin*

*passes*

*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.

me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete

dracula: vie

me: for a crossword puzzle

I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.

My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.

Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy

Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.

A family that plays together cheats.

Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.

Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over

Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?

*Makes a meal plan for the week*

*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.

We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.

– my employer

Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?

Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.

*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?

Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS

mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this

Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush

“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd

The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.

Me: can I get a breakfast burrito

Waiter: no breakfast after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs

Waiter: no eggs after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken

Waiter: sur—

Me: —pre born

This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.

My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.

Dad: Want a donut?

Me: YES!

Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.

Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.

Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements

Florist: we don’t

17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.

MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.

ME: *thinks for a bit* …k

MAGICIAN: That is a letter.

ME: omg ur right

“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”

“There are four of us.”

“You heard me.”