Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
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My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”