Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
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[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?