Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
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There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Sorry. Not sorry
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2