Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
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The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Not messing around
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”