Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
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*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.