ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
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ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
I found your tweet-up…
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
I finally found a reason to live again.