Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
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Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
#parenting
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus