Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
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Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
No way!
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?