(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
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The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Ok, but like, how married are you?
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Would you wear it?
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.