@yourlovemuscle

(Me,after returning from exam)

Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?

Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.

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@mommy_cusses

Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.

@bridger_w

FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”

@JohnHilsen

The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.

@un_d_ciphered

I’m not so much 50 as I am 5 10-year-olds held together by ibuprofen, Ben-Gay, and weed resin.

@LizHackett

I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.

@KalvinMacleod

My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.

@Overdue_Bills

“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.

– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.

@xtophercook

I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.

@Henry_3000

If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.

@RidiculousSheri

I have two boyfriends!

Well, I’m dating two men

Okay. Ben and I are just friends

Same with Jerry

Fine. I have ice cream.

But it’s love.