(Me,after returning from exam)

Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?

Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.

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Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.


FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”


The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.


I’m not so much 50 as I am 5 10-year-olds held together by ibuprofen, Ben-Gay, and weed resin.


I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.


My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.


“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.

– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.


I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.


If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.


I have two boyfriends!

Well, I’m dating two men

Okay. Ben and I are just friends

Same with Jerry

Fine. I have ice cream.

But it’s love.