Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*

Where’s the shit you made me at school?

This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.

Me: *all four burners going, two pots boiling over, oven beeping, being burned by grease splatter*

8yo: Mom!! You’re not even watching my cartwheel!

me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr

To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!

me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it

When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.

People on Twitter: Hold my beer.

If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.

My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.

when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:

Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you

Her Mom: what?

Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this

Her Dad: are you serious?

Me: *patting his belly* yes

Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.

Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.

My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.

Oh my god

Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-

me: I’m cold this is boring

Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.

Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots

customs officer: anything to declare?

me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket

[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.

40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.

Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.

My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.

Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.

I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose

(car shopping w/ teenage son)

Me: What do you think about this one?

Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.

Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.

Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.

“I don’t remember watching this”

SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.

“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”

Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.

Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.