Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
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Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
⛄️
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”