Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
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Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Start the year as you intend to continue.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
*praying for world peace*
God:
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Me too
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed