Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
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Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Why do meteors always land in craters?
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail