@Hardywolf359

Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…

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@at_jon

@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…

@NigelGrinstead

ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.

*cut to confessional camera*

ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.

@iscoff

TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times

@ddsmidt

Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…

Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*

@HeyoShellz

it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat

@curlycomedy

The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.

@Rollinintheseat

*Speed dating*

Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”

Him: “No.”

Me: “Next.”

@Mr57percent

Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol

@Jandalize

Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.

@GingerHotDish

My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.