Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
You Might Also Like
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.