Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
You Might Also Like
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Realize this:
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy