Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
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[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Don鈥檛 mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it鈥檚 a public beach
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Me: I鈥檓 late, I鈥檓 late for a very important date!
Date: 馃檪
Fig: 馃檨
Prune: bro, lol
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There鈥檚 a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.