Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
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Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
The news is so predictable nowadays
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.