Meanwhile in Canada…

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You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.


People who think it’s okay to drop by,

It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.


ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way


Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!

Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either


#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor


my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair


New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.


The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.


*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?

Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS