@OnlyJFairclough

Meanwhile in Canada…

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@VibesBummer

You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.

@eff_yeah_steph

People who think it’s okay to drop by,

It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.

@joejwest

ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way

@decentbirthday

Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!

Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either

@nekolot

#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor

@dril

my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair

@Manda_like_wine

New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.

@TheAndrewNadeau

The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.

@DurtMcHurtt

*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?

Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS