Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
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With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Don’t talk down to me
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
I saw this ending much differently.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.