“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
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Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not