Meanwhile in Portland…
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ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.