meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
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Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!