#MeanwhileinCanada
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Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.