Meat Cute
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[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever