Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
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My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.