Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
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Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
the official breakfast of 2021
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
so this horse walks into a bar
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time