Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
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HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*