me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
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GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.